For three years, I've been in love with someone's Goodreads reviews. At first, he was just a tiny profile picture, one of the many contacts that Goodreads had automatically added to my friends list. Over time, I noticed that he popped up next to virtually every book that I read when I'd go to review a book. When I first started reading his reviews, I was astonished about how thoughtful they were, how well-considered. Some of them — entire essays worth of opinions — felt like they were addressed specifically to me. Better yet, sometimes I'd log in to see that he'd just reviewed a book I'd already finished, and I'd smile to myself when I saw that, yet again, he had spun the words straight out of my heart. I started reading many of the books he'd read just so I could feel what he was feeling, and soon became hopelessly immersed in a parasocial relationship with his Goodreads profile.

This wasn't some random person. Back in 2018, I was using Grindr to date around, like every other single gay male in DC. I had just been dumped, and I was desperate for a rebound. His name was Charlie, and we had been texting for an hour before he agreed to come over to my apartment one Friday night. We sat on my tiny balcony in the sticky August heat and chatted for the minimum amount of time required to figure out that the other guy's not going to kill you, and then we made out afterwards. Despite his charming, boyish vibe, I wasn't physically attracted to him. Even worse, I was confused as to what I wanted, and the next time I drunkenly invited Charlie over, I canceled as he was on his way, feigning sickness. To top it off, I never replied to him when he texted the following day to ask whether I felt better and whether he could get me anything.

It pains me to learn, after all this time, how thoughtful he appears to be and how we might have made a perfect pair. And it's even more painful to reckon with how thoughtlessly I treated him, how improper and shameful it feels to get back in touch.

When I stalked him on LinkedIn two weeks ago, I found out he's also recently moved to San Francisco (where I now currently live) and goes to the same graduate school as my brother. I'm pitching to reach out and meet up with him and then record what happens. I don't know if I'm hoping he forgives me, or that he's forgotten me entirely, or that he says something that breaks the spell. He's got over 4,000 books reviewed and 500 friends on Goodreads — for all I know, I could be one of dozens of people quietly in love with his reviews. What complicates this even more is that I'm in a long-term, happy relationship with Aidan, the guy who dumped me before I met Charlie. Surprisingly, that hasn't changed how I've felt. I've spent three years reading his thoughts, and I think I need to find out if the person I've been falling for is the same person I ghosted.